Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man’s heart beats more quickly, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally???

Ever wonder why?

It’s because she smells like a new golf bag!

Definitely Too Much Sun

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It’s not a ship."

The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It’s not a boat."

The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It’s not a raft."

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" He says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that’s fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you’ve had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there!"

A golfer

set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.

Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St Peter saw him coming and asked "Are you a good golfer?", to which the man replied: "Got here in two, didn’t I?"

The bride

came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye …. and said, "This isn’t going to take all day, is it?"

One Saturday morning

I got up early. I put on my long johns. I dressed quietly. I got my lunch made, grabbed the dog and went to the garage to put my golf clubs in the trunk, and down the driveway I went.

Coming out of the garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential down pour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, I returned to the garage. I came back into the house and turned the TV to the weather channel.

I find it’s going to be bad weather all day long, so I put the clubs back in the garage, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed.

There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different type of activity on my mind, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

To which she sleepily replies, "I know! Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in this weather?"

On the 2nd tee

of the golf course with his wife, the husband says, "Twenty years ago I had a brief affair, it meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me." His wife was hurt, but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you." They embraced and kissed.

On the 17th tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, "I’m sorry darling, I’ve been so conscience-stricken since you told me of your affair. Since we’re being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also. Thirty-two years ago I had a sex change operation, I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me"

The husband froze at the top of his back swing, and then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on hers.

He screamed and ranted, "You liar! You cheat! You despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul…and all these years you’ve been playing off the ladies tees!"

Poor Eyesight

Arthur is 95 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 30 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That’s it," he tells his wife. "I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad…once I’ve hit the ball, I can’t see where it went."

His wife sympathizes, and as they sit down, she says, "Why don’t you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."

"That’s no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can’t help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.

"I can’t remember."

The F Word

This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.

The priest says, "Oh ok, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language.

The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue.

"Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church."

The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"

The man replied, "No, that wasn’t why I swore. On the first tee I hooked my drive well left into the trees."

The priest said, "And that’s when you swore."

The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn’t. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."

The priest asked, "Is that when you said the ‘F-word’?"

The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away."

The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"

The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."

The priest screamed, "Don’t tell me you missed the f***ing putt!"

Green Golf Ball

Tommy and Ray were approaching the first tee.

Ray goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don’t you try this ball."

He draws a green golf ball out of his bag and says "You can’t lose it."

Tommy replies, "What do you mean you can’t lose it?"

Ray replies, "I’m serious, you can’t lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound. If you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."

Obviously, Tommy doesn’t believe him, but Ray shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced.

Tommy says, "Wow! That’s incredible! Where did you get that ball!"

Ray replies, "I found it."

 

JOKE

Tiger Woods goes to Ireland

 On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol  station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, Obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish  manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

 Top of the mornin’ to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick  "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so,two  tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

 "What are dose?, asks the attendant. "They’re called tees" replies  Tiger.

 "Well, what on god’s earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving", says Tiger.

 

"be Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting!""

JOKE

Religious battle golf

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we’ll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We’ll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres… We can’t lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.

"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"

"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."

 

JOKE

The amazing golf ball

A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!"

The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?"

"It’s a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose it!"

"Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?"

"No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it."

"Well, what if you hit it into the woods?"

"Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed."

"Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?"

"No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I’m telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!"

The golfer buys it at once. "Just one question," he says to the salesman. "Where did you get it?"

"I found it."

 

JOKE

Slow golfers are ahead of us

Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.

His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.

Joe asked "what’s wrong?" It’s a small, small world Joe, and you’re fired"

JOKE .

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?" "Yes," the golfer responded. "Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" "Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked. "Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver’s windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn’t make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?" The golfer thought it over carefully and responded… "I think I’ll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

JOKE .

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn’t hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn’t waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I’d hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."

JOKE

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! Doctor: I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude! Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they? George: Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime. The group was silent for a moment. Pastor: That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor: Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them. Engineer: Why can’t these guys play at night?

JOKE

Her Diary We played golf together today. On the way home conversation wasn’t flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and aloof. I asked him what was wrong. He said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there watching the golf channel. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed, about ten minutes later he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. After I took my makeup off, I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. His Diary Awful day at the golf course today! Shot a 94 - can’t putt worth a damn! Got lucky though.

JOKE

Two of my young buddies, Mark and Ron called and said they wanted to play golf on Sunday morning. All three of us knew it would take some special manoevering to convince our ladies to let us do it but we all agreed to try. On Sunday morning everyone arrived at the course at 7:00AM. Mark said, "I had to take my lady out to dinner to get here guys." Ron said, "That’s nothing. I had to endure dinner and the opera to get out here today and the opera lasted four hours!!!" I said, "Youth is wasted on the young. I didn’t have to do anything to get here." Mark and Ron were amazed. Mark said, "Tell us your secret." I said, "It was easy, when I got up this morning, at 6:00AM, I looked my wife straight in the eye and asked, "Golf course or intercourse?" She threw me a sweater and said, "Take this, it might get chilly out there!" - Contributed by Hal Kupchak

JOKE

3 guys are about to tee off on a Saturday morning when they hear this womans voice behind them asking if she could join their group. All of them not wanting to have a lady in their group were just about to say no when they realised that it was Charlize Theron, of course they changed their minds. She says to them, "I have only been playing for 6 months so I am not very good, but I would so desparately like to break 100 today." So off they go and on the 18th green Charlize has a 20 foot put to break 100. She says to the 3 guys, "Who ever gives me the best advice to sink this putt, I will do ANYTHING for…" The first guy says "It will break left to right about a foot, but you must hit it firm as it is an uphill putt". The second guy says "I have been a member here for 21 years, that putt will not break left to right but rather it is a dead straight putt, but yes you must hit it firmly". Charlize turns around to get the info from the third guy only to find him with his pants around his ankles and totally exposed. He says to her "Thats a gimme dear!"

JOKE

The Hook Shot…, from John Oakes (Blackrock, Ireland) An Irish guy goes to the US, meets a beautiful young lady, falls in love, he proposes marriage, she accepts and they return to Ireland for the wedding with his family. On the wedding night he tells her: "Honey I have a terrible secret… I love golf… I live for golf… I think all day long about nothing else only golf… I dream about golf… I play golf every opportunity I can….. in fact I’m totally adicted to golf" She says: "Honey thats fine because I have a secret also… Back in the States before I met you I was a hooker" He says: "Thats OK honey, if you just change your grip a little like this and open your stance!!"

JOKE

Emergency Room

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his neck. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well," the man says, "it’s like this; I was playing a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white on its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it–stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my big mistake." "What did you do?" the doctor asks. "Well." the man replies, "I lifted the cow’s tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’ I don’t remember much after that."