JOKE 1. 
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, “Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?”
“Yes,” the golfer responded.
“Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?”
“Yes, I did. How did you know?” he asked.
“Well,” said the policeman very seriously, “Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver’s windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn’t make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?”
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded…
“I think I’ll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.”
JOKE 2.
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn’t hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn’t waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, “You know, when I was your age I’d hit the ball right over that tree.”
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, “Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall.”
JOKE 3.
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!
Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?
George: Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.
The group was silent for a moment.
Pastor: That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.
Engineer: Why can’t these guys play at night?
JOKE 4.
Her Diary
We played golf together today.
On the way home conversation wasn’t flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed but he kept quiet and aloof.
I asked him what was wrong.
He said nothing.
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there watching the golf channel. He seemed distant and absent.
Finally, I decided to go to bed, about ten minutes later he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.
After I took my makeup off, I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
His Diary
Awful day at the golf course today!
Shot a 94 - can’t putt worth a damn!
Got lucky though.
JOKE 5.
Two of my young buddies, Mark and Ron called and said they wanted to play golf on Sunday morning. All three of us knew it would take some special manoevering to convince our ladies to let us do it but we all agreed to try.
On Sunday morning everyone arrived at the course at 7:00AM.
Mark said, “I had to take my lady out to dinner to get here guys.”
Ron said, “That’s nothing. I had to endure dinner and the opera to get out here today and the opera lasted four hours!!!”
I said, “Youth is wasted on the young. I didn’t have to do anything to get here.”
Mark and Ron were amazed.
Mark said, “Tell us your secret.”
I said, “It was easy, when I got up this morning, at 6:00AM, I looked my wife straight in the eye and asked, “Golf course or intercourse?”
She threw me a sweater and said, “Take this, it might get chilly out there!”
- Contributed by Hal Kupchak
JOKE 6.
3 guys are about to tee off on a Saturday morning when they hear this womans voice behind them asking if she could join their group. All of them not wanting to have a lady in their group were just about to say no when they realised that it was Charlize Theron, of course they changed their minds.
She says to them, “I have only been playing for 6 months so I am not very good, but I would so desparately like to break 100 today.”
So off they go and on the 18th green Charlize has a 20 foot put to break 100. She says to the 3 guys, “Who ever gives me the best advice to sink this putt, I will do ANYTHING for…”
The first guy says “It will break left to right about a foot, but you must hit it firm as it is an uphill putt”. The second guy says “I have been a member here for 21 years, that putt will not break left to right but rather it is a dead straight putt, but yes you must hit it firmly”.
Charlize turns around to get the info from the third guy only to find him with his pants around his ankles and totally exposed. He says to her “Thats a gimme dear!”
JOKE 7.
The Hook Shot…, from John Oakes (Blackrock, Ireland)
An Irish guy goes to the US, meets a beautiful young lady, falls in love, he proposes marriage, she accepts and they return to Ireland for the wedding with his family.
On the wedding night he tells her: “Honey I have a terrible secret… I love golf… I live for golf… I think all day long about nothing else only golf… I dream about golf… I play golf every opportunity I can….. in fact I’m totally adicted to golf”
She says: “Honey thats fine because I have a secret also… Back in the States before I met you I was a hooker” He says: “Thats OK honey, if you just change your grip a little like this and open your stance!!”
JOKE 8.
Emergency Room
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his neck. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
“Well,” the man says, “it’s like this; I was playing a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white on its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it–stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my big mistake.”
“What did you do?” the doctor asks.
“Well.” the man replies, “I lifted the cow’s tail and yelled to my wife,
‘Hey, this looks like yours!’ I don’t remember much after that.”
